First, I explain that certain characteristics are central to Aspergers syndrome. Individuals with Aspergers are rarely deceitful, in fact, they are often considered excessively, even naively honest, quite unlike those with APD who are predictably deceitful and unremorseful, and unlike people with Aspergers they are incapable of feeling genuine love. In contrast, adults with Aspergers tend not to understand non-literal language, slang or implied meanings. I will find a career interest that is well suited to my abilities and interests. Tutoring reports, evaluations of group activities, personal diaries, family recordings and other such records often provide valuable insights about the likelihood of Aspergers. Cassandra Syndrome describes a woman who tries to tell others about her life with an autistic partner and is not believed. Ready for the next step? Iam a mother of four daughters on the spectrum. People with Aspergers think through their actions more carefully. They show little remorse for the consequence of their actions and tend to be indifferent to the hurt they have caused others. They do not tend to have specific weaknesses in their understanding and use of language. This blog, however, isnt one of them. Hes unable to make obvious inferences in a conversation, instead insisting that others are not being clear. They often say things such as. Because my husband is very quiet and appears affable and friendly in public (does not talk for three hours straight on a favorite topic like his father, and this is not an exaggeration), I didn't suspect ASD for a very long time. It is called 'Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD'. Not once in 33 years did I ever hear my spouse say, how are you, or how was your day? There were religious rules about everything and especially about money. For more information and support regarding the Cassandra phenomenon, visit the Families of Adults Afflicted with Aspergers Syndrome website. Stress, trauma and repressed emotions have made many of these ladies feel as if they are losing . Are you looking for a reference guide about Autism Spectrum Disorder in adults? I am alone in my experience with nowhere to turn to for understanding. All too often, spouses and partners of adults with Autism Spectrum Disorder are met with puzzled looks, bewilderment, or even skepticism when describing their relationships. I will accept myself for who I am. It provides a means of understanding why someone feels and thinks differently than others. CASSANDRA SUPPORT GROUP. They are withdrawn because it makes life easier. When they are down, they feel sad, empty, hopeless, worthless and inappropriately guilty. The person may be able to identify basic emotions, such as intense anger, sadness or happiness yet lack an understanding of more subtle expressions of emotions such as confusion, jealousy or worry. They can appear charming and talk with superficial ease, attempting to impress others and appear experts on numerous topics. Can they have intimate relationships & be successful parents? I have been with my husband for 13 years, married 9 years. On the other hand, in combination with other signs of Aspergers, not noticing how people respond in conversations, could be a significant confirmation of an Aspergers diagnosis. She's in an ongoing traumatic relationship syndrome. Stigmatizing and disapproval, based on the knowledge that a person has Aspergers is still prevalent in our society. School reports might indicate past social and emotional difficulties, along with academic tendencies, that could be relevant to any indications of Aspergers syndrome. The mission of the Down Syndrome Resource Foundation is to support people living with Down syndrome and their families with individualized and leading-edge educational programs, health services, information . My work is not related to the psychological field however since my task is more to this expertise I'm beginning to understand more about mental state. It helps when that evidence is available but it is not critical. Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and Relationships, Living with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Assessment of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Treatment of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). I really need to work through the issues that coincide with Cassandra Syndrome in order to move forward in my life, Check the therapy board at aane.org. I have been married to a man that has the symptoms of Aspergers for 16 years. I think that in this situation, his willingness to work on the problem (which he does experience as a problem, here and elsewhere) is just not developed yet. Feeling desperate! I will describe the types of information that is sought in an assessment for Aspergers and how that information is collected. In my clinical experience, they also often have greater social skills at blending. However, these relationships can also have problems, as you point out. Do you have questions youd like to ask an expert in adult Aspergers? But in practice it is complicated and necessities a professional who understands thoroughly not just the characteristics of Aspergers but how they are played out in real life. After you register, please email me [mbhutten@gmail.com] so I can send you the Skype link. Many of them, like myself, are choosing to stay with their spouse on the autism spectrum. One husband observed: My wife is highly intelligent and quite competent in her field. She is currently conducting online and in person private couples retreats. Here is a description of the psychiatric conditions most frequently associated with Aspergers: People with ADHD typically have difficulty paying attention to whats going on around them, they are easily distracted, they tend to do things without thinking about the results, they are often forgetful, have trouble finishing what they intended to do, are disorganized, jump from one activity to another, are restless and have poor social skills. On the other hand, people with Aspergers tend to focus on only one activity at a time, and they focus on that activity intensely with little regard for anything else going on around them. I come from a very supportive family and work as a recreational therapist in an inpatient unit at our local hospital. "Mark Hutten's Cassandra Syndrome Recovery Group in September 2021 has been life-changing for me. This is an excellent overview for both the clinical reader and for parents. Women have often been accused by the medical establishment of being melodramatic and exaggerating their physical symptoms. Because the person with AS does not have the same relational needs as the non-Asperger partner, he or she is often unable to instinctively recognize the emotional needs of his or her partner and may feel ill-equipped to meet them. But knowing these people as I have makes me know admiration and distain on levels most would never ever choose. Find a support group for other people who have partners on the spectrum. Are there any good articles or websites for children of parents with aspergers? When she rejected him, he let her keep her prophetic powers. Long-term the woman can develop frustration, poor self-esteem, rage, anxiety or depression. Thats my clinical opinion and thats what Ive written here. The phrase, He wears his heart on his sleeve, does not make sense to me. -Dr. K. Grateful for the even-handed public education. He does not have trouble figuring out his feelings, and he's very good at researching whatever he wants to learn about. Hi Doc, can I just say, as a man who has lived with a Neuro-diverse woman for 32 years, it does happen that a man can find himself cast in the role of Cassandra. Stephanie M.". "Cassandra syndrome is the neurotypical (NT) spouse's experience of emotional suffering that results from distressing interpersonal relations with a spouse who does not understand, empathize with, or validate the NT's pain and sorrow." MARK HUTTEN M.A. Completing one or more of these questionnaires can identify abilities, inclinations and behavior that could be indicative of Aspergers syndrome. I thought the zero empathy theory was generated by Sir Baron-Cohen from the Autism Research Centre in his books, Mindblindness, then A Question of Evil (Zero Degrees of Empathy). People with OCD have better social skills, empathy and social give and take than those with Aspergers. Cassandra Support Group (Asperger's Syndrome) Join group About this group This group is dedicated to supporting women who are (or have been) with partners who either have Asperger's Syndrome or who you strongly believe See more Private Only members can see who's in the group and what they post. supported polio victims education) and taught, helping people, her whole life. He was never diagnosed, but after learning more I am realizing that he must have it. Freakier still is that, several years ago, without yet suspecting my husband was on the spectrum (despite the fact that his father was textbook, and not very high functioning [ended up homeless and then in assisted living for nearly three decades], and every sibling also displays strong traits), and without ever having heard of this phenomenon, I voiced several times that I "felt like Cassandra from the Oresteia." The Center's philosophy is based on an integrated approach to symptom management. The bottom line is that Aspergers is a descriptive diagnosis. I need help, I feel my health is detiorating. Cassandra Syndrome describes a woman who tries to tell others about her life with an autistic partner and is not believed. It remains very, very difficult. Even though I'm the one who takes care of our home, work full time (earn twice his income), provide for myself, puts food on the table, he's still critical. And help you resolve resentments and regrets - to release personal suffering. Dr. Kenneth Roberson is an Autism Spectrum Disorder psychologist in San Francisco with over 30 years of experience. A couple of years ago I confided in my sister in law and she suggested my husband might have Asperger because she self diagnosed and feels her dad and older brother also have it. Not that ASD is like polio, but as an example of how different situations can bring about different attitudes: In some cases, the NT wife has been emotionally deprived for so long that it's to the point now where there are mental and physical ramifications. Accommodations can be requested and a rationale can be provided based on a known diagnosis. I feel an unbearable loneliness, which I dont believe I deserve. While it was named after a mythical woman, it is not restricted to wives in neurodiverse marriages, but can happen with either gender. Persistent difficulty in communicating with, and relating to, other people. You try having post-natal depression with an ASD husband!! They may be overly sensitive to one kind of sensation and avoid that persistently. . I am capable of getting along with society. When my stepchildren had tantrums, there were ways to deal with them (tactically and with my own emotional regulation) and predictable courses those tantrums would run. Another woman running an Aspergers "partners support group", toting Maxine Aston's bizarre doctrine and connections to hate groups like the late "Heartless Aspergers" website, convinces women their husbands have undiagnosed Aspergers and are the root of all problems. Surprisingly, when friends and acquaintances heard her say this, they acted as if she was describing someone they didnt know. He is on the whole a good Father. In addition, Social Anxiety Disorder may be present in children but more commonly it develops in adolescence and adulthood whereas Aspergers can be traced back to infancy. Are you looking for a reference guide about Aspergers in adults? While often gendered, its actually quite possible for either sex. Nevertheless, attitudes like this can arise when a diagnosis of Aspergers is made public. Of course, it is possible that people in someones life will react to the diagnosis of Aspergers by alienating themselves from that person. It is often the case that a person seeking an evaluation does not have any documentation, formal or informal, that is relevant to the assessment process. Discussion forums are free and many support groups are also free. If he feels it is wrong, then it is wrong. This is truly mind-boggling. It is deeply concerning that vulnerable and desperate women are being taught to give armchair diagnoses of autism to their male partners and placing all the blame for any dysfunction solely on the male, while promoting reading materials and therapies that address issues that have been fabricated. Signs of these characteristics as early as 12-24 months of age, although the difficulties with social communication and relationships typically become apparent later in childhood. Website They often say things such as, "Im not the same person I used to be. Cassandra Syndrome. I am so grateful that I came across this group on Facebook and went through the program. Maxine Aston's Cassandra cult blames any relationship issues on allegedly undiagnosed autistic males. Stress, trauma and repressed emotions have made many of these ladies feel as if they are losing their mind and they have definitely lost a part of themselves. There is test yet developed that can be used to make a diagnosis of Aspergers, no instrument that measures Aspergers nor any procedure that can objectively sort out those with Aspergers from those without it. Releasing/resolving resentments in the present and fears about the future. Use tab to navigate through the menu items. While this may strike some as similar to Aspergers people with SPD can interact with others normally, if they want to, and can get along with people. These behaviors, to repeat the same action over and over, are similar to the repetitive routines associated with Aspergers. At one point, they will have extreme energy, be unusually happy, energetic, talkative, feel wonderful about themselves and on top of the world, have little need for sleep, be drawn to unimportant or irrelevant activities, and generally act unlike themselves. And to develop a roadmap for your future. It's a task that can be puzzling without a neurodiverse lens. This, of course, is an unrealistic and exaggerated depiction of what living with Aspergers is like. People with ADHD will do things without considering the outcome of their actions. Hence a thorough understanding of early social, emotional, family, academic and behavioral experiences are essential to the diagnostic process. He constantly accuses me of criticizing him. Aaaaaaaaargh! See if the changes I made fixes it! The NT partner may feel like they are losing their mind. She is also the founder and president of Couples Therapy Inc. Dr. K feels passionate about couples therapy and sex therapy and holds a deep respect towards those who invest in making their relationship better. I also have said specifically here that both spouses must change and most of them feel like they have most of the responsibility TO change. I run a Cassandra Syndrome support group and give talks and advice to groups and professionals. I know from my autistic clients how exhausting it is to mask and try to fit in without being rude or offensive. I have had many cases where I was able to conclude with confidence whether the person had Aspergers without seeing one single piece of written evidence about that persons past. If, for example, the core characteristics of Aspergers lead a person to speak in few sentences, interact with people only around very narrow, special interests and communicate in odd, nonverbal ways, we can say that these are indicators that a diagnosis of Aspergers is correct. I miss my best friends or family when we are apart for a long time. Others repeat behaviors or say names or phrases over and over hoping to guard against some unknown harm. If the neurodiverse relationship isnt recognized, and both partners dont get on the same page to try to relate differently to one another, they arent likely to make as much progress as they otherwise would. My oldest is 40 today! In this case, it is more accurate to say the person has co-existing conditions rather than it being a straightforward matter of Aspergers. Our group process aims to take you from feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, alone, confused, hurt, and afraid to having confidence in yourself again and peace in your heart. To ask a question or schedule an appointment, please call 415-922-1122. His world is black and white, except when it comes to his own behavior. In this chapter, I will explain how the process of diagnosing someone for Aspergers is usually carried out, both in general terms and the specific way I undertake a diagnosis. The inability to have a satisfying emotional connection leaves neurotypical partners believing something is wrong with them. Cassandra syndrome is an incredibly vague . Your email address will not be published. It will help you clarify your present relationship dynamics, overcome hurts concerning attachments in early life and with your current relationship, and align your heart and brain toward constructive decisions and actions. I am willing to travelbut i need the best!!! If those characteristics are not present in the person then he or she doesnt have Aspergers and if they are present a diagnosis of Aspergers is much more viable. Dr. Kathy McMahon (Dr. K) is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist. I am also available to consult about this problem. one-on-one support Serving teens adults 18+ grieving families parents Next Steps: Call 410-871-8000 0.35 miles ( serves your local area) 292 Stoner Avenue, Westminster, MD 21157 Closed Today See open hours Sunday: Closed Monday: 6:30 PM - 8:00 PM EDT Tuesday: Closed Wednesday: Closed Thursday: Closed Friday: Closed Saturday: Closed More Info If we didnt, hed get angry. The characteristics of Aspergers must be noticeable in infancy or early childhood to receive the diagnosis of Aspergers. I am committed to him, but in order to stay I must find help. I did feel exhausted afterwards, but not as shaken and "wrung-out" as when a grown man starts swearing and saying all kinds of things with no warning. It may take decades to even understand what kind of mess youve gotten yourself into after being emotionally beaten down for so long. They may rely on their partner to articulate this experience, but this is quite different than saying they don't have this fundemental human trait. Going on 4 years with a resistant, undiagnosed man, and doing the best I can to navigate/survive/thrive without any support. My goal in writing this and related posts is to share with my readers that there is hope. Being confronted with the censorship of objective feedback and commentary, I felt compelled to seek out other parties to address the issue at hand. If your answer is Yes to any of these questions, this book is for you. Poor nonverbal communication, which translates into poor eye contact, unusual body language, inappropriate gestures and facial expressions. I dont suggest that anyone diagnose anyone else, although that is, unfortunately, what happens not only with the wives but with the therapists these couples seek out. (Willey 2001. p. 164), Assessment of Autism Spectrum Disorder in Adults, Therapy for Adults with Autism Spectrum Disorder, Adult Autism Spectrum Disorder Blog, News & Videos, Adult Autism Spectrum Disorder and Relationships, Adult Autism Spectrum Disorder Psychologist, Assessment of Adult Autism Spectrum Disorder, All Articles About Living with Autism Spectrum Disorder, All Adult Autism Spectrum Disorder Resources, Sound Sensitivity In Adults With Autism Spectrum Disorder, Dealing With Anger Towards Your Autism Spectrum Disorder Partner, Changing Autism Spectrum Disorder In Adults: What Aspies Think, The One Necessary Condition for Change To Happen In Adults With Autism Spectrum Disorder, Autistic Burnout: Coping in Adults With Autism Spectrum Disorder, A Message From Dr. Roberson During The Coronavirus Outbreak, What Does Normal Mean: Views from Adults on the Spectrum, living with an adult with Autism Spectrum Disorder, social stories for adults with Autism Spectrum Disorder, traits of Autism Spectrum Disorder in adults, understanding Autism Spectrum Disorder in adults. Do better with the victim blaming. Newest Cassandra groups Jakarta Cassandra Users 28 Members Started Nov 22 in Jakarta, Indonesia Houston Cassandra Users 20 Members Started Oct 12 in Houston, USA Chesapeake Java Users Group 34 Members Started Jun 8 in Pasadena, USA Seoul Cassandra Meetup Group 13 Members Started Dec 16 in Seoul, Korea (South) Distributed Data Phoenix 48 Members Adults with ADHD tend to express their feelings directly and fairly clearly whereas adults with Aspergers do not show a wide range of emotions. If you have any questions, please email me: Cassandra Syndrome Recovery Support-Group on Facebook, Decreased interest in sex and physical contact, Desire to oversleep and difficulty staying awake, Disturbed sleep and early morning wakening, Domestic abuse (emotional and/or physical), Extremes of mood and short periods of hypomania (over activity), Feelings of anger, depression and anxiety, Feelings of hopelessness and despair, sometimes apathy and loss of feelings, High relational conflict with the ASD spouse, Irritability and desire to avoid social contact, More vulnerable to infections and other illnesses, Reduced marital or relationship satisfaction. It is heartbreaking, and it does take decades to understand. The intimacy between us is getting worse almost non existent. Required fields are marked *. Often this gives others the impression that they lack emotion. Cassandra was a princess in Greek mythology. Check out AANE.org for more information, and especially their course for couples in Neuro-diverse relationships. I am not defective. In my practice, I have learned that with proper context, the diagnosis (or even the descriptor of "neuroatypical") brings both relief and despair. I was particularly appreciative of the compassion that Dr. Roberson shows for the patient with this disorder., This would be a good first book for someone who wants to learn more about Aspergers Syndrome (AS).
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